Self-soothing - no thanks!

I was once asked if we'd taught our child to "self-soothe." I was shocked, to say the least. Why on earth would a responsible parent not want to calm their child if he or she was distressed?

Of course, the answer is simple. As with a lot of other things in parenting, it's a question of whether the child comes first, or the parent. Soothing your crying child means that you have to give up whatever else you are doing and actually pay attention to the kid. I know, I'm being a little over-the-top cynical, but can you blame me?

A baby, infant or toddler, in my not remotely expert opinion, does not need to learn to soothe themself. In fact, what they need to learn, is that their parents are people they can trust, people who love and care for them, and are there to help them along the way. They need to learn that when they want or need a parent, that parent can and will be there for them.

Independence is something that has to be based on a solid foundation. A secure foundation. And as a parent, you provide that secure foundation by being there for your child. You give them a base from which they can grow. When your child cries, and needs your help or attention, give it to them. When your toddler wants you to sing him or her to sleep do it. "Cry It Out" is not a solution for the child, it's a solution for the parent. You can get on with your own life, and enough so-called experts have rallied to the cause so as to ensure that you feel very little guilt in the process.

Your mileage may vary, but we have made it a point right from the day our daughter was born to be there when she cried. During the day, and during the night. Whenever she wants or needs us, we're there for her.

The end result? She is now two and a half and rarely cries. In fact, she has never been a crier. She knows that when she wants or needs her parents, they will be right there by her side. And because of that, she's secure enough to live her little life. One of us has put her to bed and sang or storied her to sleep every night of her life. She slept through the night somewhere around 8 weeks and has never looked back. We're supremely confident that we're raising a happy, well-adjusted toddler who has a grip on her emotions by virtue of never having had to "self-soothe."

What do I think would have happened had we gone the self-soothing route? We'd have taught our daughter that other people, notably her parents, will not be there for her, and right from birth she has to deal with everything herself.

Some people call this independence. It's not. It's insularity. There's a massive difference. And we'll stake our mortgage on doing it our way, every time.